Toadsworth's Scheme
by Princess Toady
Summary: Toadsworth lives a peaceful life, surrounded by many friends and co-workers that love him to death. However, when a tragic incident shakes up his routine, the old man decides it is time to make things change, and plots his rise to power... Of course, with only a handful of smart civilians in the Mushroom Kingdom, he should not have that much trouble...
1. A Usual Day in Toadsworth's Life

**Toadsworth's Scheme**

_This fiction is the property of Toady16/Princess Toady. Any reproduction, whether it is partial or complete, is strictly forbidden. Of course, you may find some kind of inspiration in my work (or not), but please, do not steal it from me._

_This story is a parody of The Hunger Games/Battle Royale where people are trapped in an arena and have to kill each other until only one remains. If you enjoy this kind of stories or even write some yourself, please do not take offense to this, its only purpose is to be fun._

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1 : A Usual Day in Toadsworth's Life

Toadsworth's day had began rather uneventfully. As always, the old Toad would almost barf at the smell of his own breath upon climbing down his magnificent brown and purple bed, incrusted with a myriad of expensive gemstones, and frown at the sight of a yellowish stain on his covers and undergarments, which heralded his entrance into senility.

"Well, it's not as bad as usual," he noted with a sincere smile as his nostrils picked up the peculiar scent emitted by his covers. "It's a great progress!"

After that, Toadsworth would throw the stained tissues out of his room, through the window, and watch them make a big splash in the castle's moat, chuckling at the expense of Princess Peach's slaves, who shouted a number of expletives, complaining about their ingrate duties and cursing the old attendant under their breath.

"Ha ha ha!" Toadsworth clapped his hands, water droplets almost reaching his bedroom. "That was fun!"

Today, however, Toadsworth had hooted with delight after throwing his blanket out of the window, because one of the servants had been in the process of salvaging a sock which had been forgotten there the day before and she screamed, almost drowning under the old man's bed furniture. Later that day, Toadsworth would learn that the poor girl was confined in bed, unable to stand up without having the urge to puke.

Then, after washing himself and dressing up properly, the attendant of Princess Peach would waddle his way to his fair princess' bedroom and bang on it as if there was no tomorrow, hoping to wake her up, to no avail. He would also remarked with stupefaction the dents located on the door, and would make sure to blame one of his assistants for this blunder – the one he liked the least, of course.

"Toadarion didn't bow before me yesterday," the old mushroom had remembered with a chuckle. "Too bad for him."

To be honest, Toadsworth could not care less for the door to Princess Peach's bedroom, the lady had had her fair share of experience with the thing, and after more than five years on tutoring her that not all doors could be opened by pushing them, everyone had given up on her and settled for replacing them as soon as they were destroyed. However, in the interest of saving money, only the door to Peach's room could be closed, the other ones had been dismantled and hidden in a place the fair maiden would never think to check.

Or so he had thought the first twelve times she had demolished the furniture.

Then, the old mushroom would make a slight detour to the pharmacy, check its contents, and make his choice depending on his humor. That day, the attendant was feeling lighthearted and as such, he decided to borrow the laxatives from the pharmacy, promising that he would come back with more – obviously, he always forgot to come back and forced one of Peach's subject to do the dirty job in his stead.

Toadsworth laughed jollily, an impish expression residing on his pampered visage. "With that, I expect some fireworks!" Shaking his head at his own hilariousness, the elder exited the room, neglecting to switch off the light.

Like everyday, he would inche his way slowly in the narrow stairway, making sure to halt the workers' progress as much as he could, feigning a pant or two every two minutes, before entering the kingdom of Tayce T. and spilling the entire bottle of laxatives – and by that, it meant that the bottle and its top really made their way inside – in her cooking pot, which held the food the servitors were going to eat.

"Oh, Tayce, I am impressed!" Toadsworth congratulated her as she blushed furiously. "I did not know you could get any uglier," he chuckled, as she laughed with him.

"Oh, Toadsworth, you're such a charmer..." A pause. "Wait, what?" she asked, realization hitting her. Unfortunately, she could not ask for explanations: Toadsworth had a way to escape as fast as he could from dangerous situations – it was one of the many things he was blessed with.

As nice as it was, the old mushroom could evidently not stay in the vicinity of the explosive cooking, but still needed to use the bathroom before it became too cluttered. Naturally, Toadsworth took a very long time, taking solace in the fact that a Toadette was wiggling uncomfortably in front of the restroom. Curiously, when he came out, she seemed dejected and walked away, her head held low.

"You can use the bathroom!" he called out to her cheerfully, as she ran away crying.

After his usual routine, Toadsworth would eat outside, often picking the most expensive restaurant in town. The mushroom was a man of many tastes, and the owners were accustomed to his arrival in their humble abode. Upon entering the restaurant, which name was 'Phalloïde' – a French name always attracted dumb customers who thought the cuisine would be elaborated and exquisite – the Toad remarked the guest book placed on the side and decided to add an annotation.

Your cuisine sucks ass, smells like shit, looks like Birdo, tastes like vomit and sounds like one of these new artists. Love – Tayce T.

Toadsworth smiled in delight, knowing for sure that his comment would have a positive impact on the quality of the meals that were served. Admittedly, it did not seem well-worded, however, Princess Toadstool's attendant was convinced that, after a sorrowful period of introspection, the cooks would reinvent their cuisine and improve their skills.

Chuckling to himself, Toadsworth made sure to buy the most expensive dishes, thinking that after all he went through during his work, he could be rewarded for his endeavors and unwind, eating good food. "I'll have the Extra Deluxe Menu, with salmon as a starter, Mushroom Delight as the main course, an assortment of cheeses and a stacked cake as a dessert," he demanded, throwing his menu at the purple-pigtailed waitress who was taking his order.

Then, Toadsworth would criticize the food he was given when nobody was around, and send his commentary at a culinary expert anonymously, so as to not be pinpointed as the person responsible for the restaurant's reevaluation. "The staff leaves much to be desired," he whispered as he waved to the waitress who winked at him in response, "one waitress tried to get to me with her charms, but I was not swayed so easily. For an establishment of this rank, I expected better than to have a prostitute serve my dishes," he finished, sounding offended.

At around the time he finished the cheese, he would call one of his friends and invite them over at the restaurant: it was one of his favorite times of the meal as he imagined how disappointed they would be in hearing that he had already departed long ago – without paying his fee – and that the personnel expected his friend to offer a monetary compensation. "Hello Russ T.! Would you like to come over to the Phalloïde so we can discuss whatever happened in our uneventful lives recently?"

Then came the boring part of his day, the part when he would actually have to do something every once in a while. For example, that day, he had been tasked to append his signature at the end of two documents, and he did it without much commitment, annoyed at the fact that he could not live his life freely. "Why don't the plebeians give up already? We will continue to raise the taxes, how else would we be able to host all of these Mario Parties otherwise?"

Often, the old mushroom would sneak to his bedroom and take a prolonged nap, wary of the environmental noise. If it sounded like someone was going to enter his room, he would have to make use of his quick reflexes to jump under his bed and avoid detection, because the other workers were sure to comment on his lazy behavior – which was untrue. Toadsworth was a hard-worker...but his age was slowing him down and he had to rest at times.

Thankfully for the aging counselor, he was authorized to do as he pleased when night came, because he was such a great aide for the princess. As usual, Toadsworth faked a seizure so that bystanders would come to his help and drive him to the nearest hospital, curiously called 'Toadvice Hospital', where he would ditch them and slip by unnoticed by the security (and on the off-chance that people would try to impede his progress, the advisor had a trump card: he would resort to blackmail), before walking at a fast pace in direction of his favorite casino, the 'Chet Rippo', named after the individual, who was a good friend of Toadsworth. "What a good Samaritan, always helping those in needs of new addictions."

Unfortunately for the purple-clad mushroom, Chet was out of town that day, making business with the benevolent gangs of Rogueport, or so people claimed. However, all of that was unknown to Toadsworth who entered the place jollily and took his usual seat.

Then...he was not so sure about what had occurred. He remembered drinking vodka mixed with malt whiskey, several shot at that, each of them containing at least thirty centiliters of that substance, but Toadsworth was no alcoholic. No, he was actually priding himself on being a responsible drinker, he knew when to stop, as well as his limits. And that night, he decided he had reached his limits after he had bludgeoned with a glass bottle a purple crocodile who had cheated at a poker game.

Security soon arrived on the scene and eyed the old man suspiciously, as he gave them a reasonable version of what had happened, "It was him! He hit himself on the head hard, and then handed me the bottle to make it look like I did it!" blubbered the mushroom in a rather convincing act.

"Like we care!" snarled a well-built Kremling, kicking Croco to the side in order to move forward.

"You're rather hard on your kin, aren't you?"

"Look," started the second member of the security, a towering Hammer Bro wearing a nice suit, "we don't give a shit about armed assaults on our clients or whatever."

"But what we don't like, it's guys like you. People who keep comin' and comin' and never pay for their drinks. So either you pay or you get the hell outta here, got it?"

"Why, how dare you threaten me? Don't you know me and your boss go way back then? I could have you fired right this moment!" Toadsworth huffed, taking a swing at the Kremling, but hitting a poor Goomba who had the misfortune of passing by at the time.

"The boss ain't here, so get out!"

"I'm afraid I must refuse!" Toadsworth defied them, standing tall and proud. "You'll have to make me!"

Moments later, Toadsworth dusted his clothes and waved his cane in the casino's direction angrily. "I will remember this affront!" How dare they exclude him from their establishment?

And that was when Toadsworth realized that, no matter how respectful and dignified he was, no matter how hard he tried to please everyone, no matter how kind, gentle and admirable he could be, he would never get the respect he yearned for.

He, Toadsworth, the epitome of wisdom, generosity and selflessness, was constantly mocked and ridiculed by his peers, in spite of the numerous good deeds he accomplished each and every day of his life.

His only way to be respected again was to earn big fat rolls, and soon. And to that end, he would come up with a perfect plan.

* * *

_It's been a while since Homicidal Party, and I have had this idea for a long time ! Trust me, the introduction has almost nothing to do with the actual plot, haha. Except for the fact that Toadsworth is plotting something..._

_But yes, although the style of this chapter differs from the following ones, I hope it still got you to smile a little. ^^_

_Poor Toadsworth needs a break, and he will get it._


	2. And the Morons are

**Moley Koopa** : Yes, it's the story I was talking about. Actually, I think it's under 'projects' in my profile, but under a different name. And don't worry, it might not seem like that at first, but it will definitely be in the same vein as Homicidal Party. Most of the characters retain their previous personalities, like Boo and Peach for example who are basically the main characters of almost every fiction I write (when it's a parody).

**KingBloo** : It's not that different from what really happened. XD I'm glad you like it, hopefully this cast will satisfy you. :p Birdo's cool, but I like to make fun of her too. XD

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2 : And the Morons are...

Toadsworth had spent the entire night thinking of different ways he could come up with in order to change his lifestyle and make people sorry for picking on such a kind soul. He wrote many plans on different sheets of paper that he attached to the walls of his room, drew a plethora of diagrams, each of them very complicated, consulted with people who were seen as experts on their field of domain... He even went as far as to go on the Internet!

But nothing seemed to be profitable enough for our old protagonist – either that or he did not feel like putting the effort into a plan that might not be foolproof. The brown-capped mushroom sighed to himself and proceeded to make his way to the kitchen to follow with his usual routine, when the first thing he saw upon exiting his bedroom suddenly stimulated his neurons.

It was a portrait of the ravishing and fair ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Toadstool.

Toadsworth knew he would have the approval of said princess if he were to suggest a plan, because she was lacking in several 'areas. "This dumb broad does whatever I say!" exclaimed her gentle caretaker.

Yes, Peach would be the key to his success. Why would he try hiring a bunch of wannabe teenage mutant ninja turtles to steal the cows of Moo Moo Farm in order to sell their milk and their meat to the poorest denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom for an exorbitant amount of money, going as far as to cut them from the world in case they refused, when he could simply abuse his position as the princess' most trusted subject?

"Thank the stars! I am so grateful for being born a genius," Toadsworth whooped and hollered, smacking a Koopa and making him fall a story-high. "My apologies, I didn't see you here, my boy."

Then, without a care in the world for the battered turtle, Toadsworth went to the princess' room, eager to have her partake in his plan to get richer.

…

Peach looked at Toadsworth with big round eyes, nodding her head from time to time, but only when the situation seemed to be judicious to her, which tended to fail as she sometimes tried to make it look like she was interested in his project when he was asking her direct questions which needed a spoken answer.

"Princess, if I may, you should probably study a little more, don't forget that the fate of the Mushroom Kingdom-" Toadsworth paused, realizing that it was exactly because the princess was dumb that he could take advantage of her. "Nevermind that, shall I repeat for you?"

"Yes Toadsworth, that would be wonderful!" the lady clapped her hands in glee. Or was she trying to catch a fly? The advisor decided he did not care.

"I have come up with a splendid idea of a game, that you and your friends should take part in!" Toadsworth enthused over his plan. "Trust me princess, if you give me the go, you will not be disappointed!"

"Yay!" she cheered dumbly. "So, what's this plan of yours?"

"I am glad you asked, it's only the sixteenth time I'm trying to get it through that tiny head of yours," Toadsworth smiled in contempt, noting that as long as his features remained friendly, the princess would not realize he was rude. "This is a game, which goal is to be the last remaining person alive."

The cogs in the princess' head turned slowly, a pained expression making its way onto her face. In the end, she gave up and Toadsworth proceeded.

"Basically, I want you and your friend to participate in some sort of arena, where you will kill each other for the hefty sum of two hundred thousand coins, coming straight from the citizens' pocket!" the old mushroom chuckled in glee.

"Oh Toadsworth, you always come up with the best ideas," Peach rolled her eyes playfully, grinning from ear to ear. "I'm sure everyone would be delighted to participate in another one of your ideas! Do you remember last time, when you sent us on her cruiser to sail around the world?"

Her interlocutor whistled not so innocently, before sweating bullets, afraid she might remember something detrimental to his case. "Well, hmm, not quite, but it isn't important, now, is it?"

"Of course it is!" the beautiful blonde scolded him, putting her hands on her hips. "You need to see yourself as you truly are, Toadsworth!"

"Have you finally caught on?" he asked fearfully, taking a few steps back.

"Of course I did! I am the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, it wouldn't do if I were dumb, now, would it? Thank goodness Boo isn't the king though, otherwise our people would be in trouble." Toadsworth raised an eyebrow. "Anyway, I remember that time, it was so much fun! Boo kept yelling about you though, something along the lines of 'I'm going to kill that old fart, who does he think he is, sending us to our deaths on this stinky wreck'... It was so cool when we fell into the sea, surrounded by sharks! But I think Birdo scared them with her looks. It was a nice vacation, though it felt like we spent several weeks on a forsaken island..."

"Oh dear, you almost gave me a heart attack!" the counselor chuckled wearily. "So... You will all be sent to an arena where the winner will win a huge amount of money, but you might ask yourself, 'isn't it dangerous?' or even 'what if I die?'"

"No, I don't," Peach shook her head strongly, her eyes closed. Toadsworth used that time frame to glare dagger at her.

"Of course, once the game is over, everyone will be treated to one-up mushrooms," he smiled. "If it's alright with you, your highness, you will have to let me handle the throne while you are away. I trust this arrangement doesn't bother you at all?"

Peach wiggled her eyebrow at Toadsworth for no reason whatsoever – she still had trouble matching her expressions with her feelings. "Not at all! I know I can trust you to take care of everything! But, who is going to be invited?"

"How about your friend, Boo, for starters? I think he would really appreciate to take part in this fine little adventure," the opportunist proposed, seizing the opportunity.

"Oh, I know!" the princess raised her hands in the air, an ominous sign most of the time. At around the same time, someone fell all the way down the staircase, screaming bloody murder. "What a strange bird tune," Peach mused intently, fooling even herself. "How about you choose the contestants? It wouldn't be fun for me if I knew everything beforehand!" The elderly person acquiesced and the princess left her quarters, humming a song to herself.

Toadsworth rubbed his hands together, an evil grin creeping onto his visage. "I couldn't have asked for a better opportunity! Oh, how fun it will be! I can already see myself swimming in a pool full of coins!"

With agility he did not know he possessed, Toadsworth ran back to his room to perform the rest of his morning ritual and chuckled as he threw his mattress out the window, seeing the same Toadette from the day before getting crushed by the furniture. "This gives me another idea!" jubilated the old man, his breath taken away by his sudden scheme. "I should already prepare a sequel to that game show, to earn even more money! Let's hurry, I have no time to waste!"

And for the first time of his life, Toadsworth actually did work that day.

…

The next day, Boo woke in the Boo Mansion of the Forever Forest. He had taken refuge in this remote abode to avoid any more contact with his friends: after the disaster of the S.S. Sucker, which had been christened that way by the ghost himself, Boo wanted nothing more but live a peaceful life in security.

"Slave!" Lady Bow's voice boomed from outside his room. "Did you scrub the toilet as per my instructions?"

Well, at least he was in security...

Boo came out from his bedroom, ready to face the princess of his species. "Yes, I did. Why do I need to do that, again? I thought we were together?"

Lady Bow frowned, biting her nails. "We are...?"

"Yes, we are," Boo looked at her angrily.

"It doesn't matter," Lady Bow waved him off as she adjusted the two ribbons on her head. "I have a letter for you, coming straight from the capital. Apparently, it's from Peach."

"Burn it," Boo responded almost immediately, his survival instincts kicking in. The green Boo shook her head, waggling a teasing finger in front of Boo's face.

"Now, now, it wouldn't be very polite of you to do so. Thankfully, I had foreseen such a reaction coming from you, so I already opened the letter and read it," stated the bossy ghost. "Basically, you are invited to come to Grand Reaping Gala which will happen in two days from now. It doesn't specify what it is, but since I'm curious, you will accompany me."

"What if I don't want to?" Boo questioned her defiantly. Lady Bow approached him slowly.

"You. Will. Not. Refuse. If. You. Want. To. Keep. Living. Here!" each of her words was punctuated by a slap, causing Boo to scream in pain.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! That hurt!" the white floating being yelled in frustration. "Fine, I'll go!"

After saying this and seeing his girlfriend leave, Boo gulped. He knew he was going to regret it.

…

The fateful day had come. Begrudgingly, and also handcuffed to Lady Bow, Boo made his way to the serene capital of the Mushroom Kingdom. It was a peaceful day, birds were chirping mirthfully, pure crystalline water flowed in an endless torrent from the top of a sculpture of a Blooper, located on a fountain in the center of town. The shops were-

"STFU!" yelled a disgraceful abomination wearing a purple cape and a golden crown incrusted with sapphires as she shoved aside unfortunate bystanders. Boo raised an eyebrow at this, but could do little to interrupt her reign of terror as he was dragged by his girlfriend to the supposed meeting point.

There, the two ethereal presences saw a plethora of people, ranging from Toad to Koopa, not to forget Goomba and Yoshi, every creature seemed to have made the appointment.

"The narrator dude's pretty lazy," remarked a clever Toad as he adjusted his glasses. "Why, he only enumerated the most overrated species of the Mushroom Kingdom!" Immediately, little kids ganged up on him and lynched him with pointy rocks.

Boo looked shocked at the scene but the rest of the people seemed to be enjoying the senseless act of violence, Lady Bow included, which caused Boo to frown. Someone cleared their throat in front of a mike which had been positioned on a stage in front of the castle.

"Why, hello my darlings!" Flurrie the wannabe actress and wind spirit greeted with a cheesy grin. "I would like to order three big macs, two big fries, four maxi best off and a sundae. The flavor, you ask? Don't be silly, of course I shall pick the most fattening one: chocolate! I have a figure to keep if you must know. Back in the day I was quite the famous actress, starring in various films such as 'Why is the green bean green?'. Or maybe you prefer 'Bury the Hatchet but Fire the Tomatoes'. I remember this one, it was my first-"

She was suddenly and unceremoniously pushed off the stage by a frowning Toadsworth who made sure to blame it on the wind, even though Flurrie was obviously too fat to be affected by a gust. "Ladies, and gentlemen, citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom and clandestine immigrants that are worked to the bones, I am Toadsworth, our fair princess' adviser and prime consultant."

"Today is finally the day of the Grand Reaping Gala!" Princess Peach, who was by his side, threw her hands in the air. Immediately, a bolt of lightning fried a poor innocent Goomba. Nobody mourned him because he was just a Goomba.

The old mushroom cleared his throat and raised a rather large glass container, in which were located thousands of tiny slips of paper. "We have waited two days to accumulate as many applications as we could, and it's finally time to reveal who our twenty lucky contenders are!" Besides him, the princess was clapping like an idiot.

"Oh look! A flying stegosaurus!" continued the mushroom as he pointed in a random direction in the air. Everyone but Boo looked up, which allowed Toadsworth to switch the first container with another without anyone noticing, as the ghost had his eyes closed in frustration. Peach was so concentrated on her task that she did not look where she placed her feet, successfully falling from the stage as well. However, she bounced back on Flurrie and made it on the floor unscathed.

"Before I start to call the lucky contestants," Toadsworth went on, unfazed by the antics of the princess, "let me remind you of the goal of this game. We will call it 'The Mushroom Coliseum'. Our contenders for the prize of two hundred thousand coins will be sent to an arena, where they will have to kill each other in a friendly display of blood, guts and gore!"

A single mom who had three children under the age of five cheered the loudest, throwing her six-month-old child in the air and unfortunately failing to catch him. She slapped her child for being such a bad majorette baton and was congratulated by the rest of the bystanders for her act.

"Evidently, we shall record their every move, and we won't forget to bring them to life at the end of the show, with the help of one-up mushrooms!" He smiled in a very fake manner. "Let's begin! First and foremost, our lovely princess is joining the fray!" He had taken the slip of paper from his pocket, but the crowd was way too excited to pick up on this detail.

"Yay! I won, I won! Peach is the best!" she exclaimed gleefully, running as fast as she could toward the stage, but one of her high-heels broke and she lost her balance, her head crashing onto the wooden surface.

"Our second contestant is...Luigi!"

"No! I don't want to! You can't make me!" Luigi tried to repel the upcoming guards by slapping them like a sissy, but was easily defeated by a light touch to the shoulder.

"...well, that should be promising. The next candidate will scare off her competition with her horrid looks... It's Birdo!"

"Horrid looks?!" Birdo shouted, infuriated. "I'll have you know that I'm known for being a famous fashionista and that-" She was cut off by boos coming from the crowd.

"Fourth, give it up for the moronic and annoying mushroom head, Toad Phalloïde!"

Toad hollered in glee, making croaking noises in his throat. "I am the best! I'll beat everyone with my speed, power, looks and-"

"Shut the hell up!" an ice fairy located withing the crowd silenced him with efficiency.

"Anyway... Number five is the king of overratedness, the one that everyone always wants to pick in Mario Parties, Mario Kart races and Mario sports events, resulting in many broken friendships and teeth, it's Yoshi!"

As the green dinosaur strutted towards the stage, everyone bowed down to him and kissed his shoes. The smug character stood proudly next to Toadsworth as the rest of the contenders only wanted to wring his neck right there, right now.

"The next two are the most stupid bitches of the whole world, they serve absolutely no purpose in this game and have no chance of winning, even though they clearly think the opposite. I want you to prepare your warm and welcoming rocks for the losers! Lakilulu and Lakilester."

"Ow! Ow!" cried an orange-haired Lakitu. "Stop pelting me with rocks!" she screamed to the crowd, pushing and shoving aside the people that separated her from her moment of glory on stage. She trampled upon a Shy Guy, kicked a Boo, slapped an Amayzee Dayzee, and ultimately punched a Bob-Omb. "You can start applauding now! Really, don't keep it for these losers over here," she stated with much disdain.

Her face was met with the the different appendages of the other players. She was knocked out cold and her boyfriend was thrown on her, not given a chance to make a declaration.

"They all come from the uncivilized world that is Kongo Bongo Island, our next contestants are Donkey Kong, Dixie Kong, and some other one," Toadsworth showed his unbiased side as the three simian figures gathered the attention of the crowd.

Donkey Kong flexed, charming a few spectators that tried to rub his muscular body, under the jealous glare of a bright pink dinosaur. Dixie Kong also received warm applause from the bystanders, mainly because she was everyone's favorite slave. And finally, empty bottles of water filled with ice cubes flew toward the unfortunate Tiny Kong.

"Well, technically, these bottles weren't empty," declared the next picked contestant with a fake air of intelligence about him. "Since they were filled with ice cubes, it means that there was already something inside, which voids the 'empty' adjective. Not only that, but they weren't empty of water since ice is simply frozen water. If you truly want to know, I will elaborate on the matter by reciting a tiny excerpt from this book called 'Ice Sculpture and Temperature'. First of all I would like to state that this small excerpt is only two-hundred-page long, was written by a certain Jojora Teeheena present in the here crowd, at the age of seventeen. I believe it might be in our best interest if we were to take a look at her biography. Jojora Teeheena always wanted to be a gossip reporter, but alas, it was not meant to be. Indeed, her now late parents-"

"SHUT THE FUUUUUCK UP!" Everyone bellowed in his direction. Goombario frowned slightly, his enthusiasm reduced by the tiniest bit.

"That's fairly rude, you know!" he objected, closing his eyes. "Because of you I forgot where I was in my lecture, I fear I must start from the very beginning ag-" His body smashed into the stage, as everyone's favorite hero and benefactor rubbed his hands, satisfied with a job well done.

"It's me, Mario!" the red-clad plumber smiled at the crowd.

Toadsworth chuckled to himself. "Now that that's settled, I would like to call the terrific duo of Wario and Waluigi!"

String bean and fat cow made their way to the stage. Waluigi was ogling Peach's assets when Birdo walked toward him with a flirtatious attitude. The purple-clad individual immediately pushed his partner in crime in the dinosaur's arms. Wario shook his fist in anger, a dark expression on his face as he blocked Birdo's kissing attempts with a garlic clove.

"Let's applaud Flurrie! Wait. No, let's not," Toadsworth corrected himself, putting his hand over his mouth. "Oh my goodness, this is getting incredibly boring, is it not? Daisy the Ginger with Anger Issues can come on stage."

People had to restrain the boisterous tomboy, lest she disfigured the old man in front of the audience. Normally, this would not work for Daisy was the strongest person in the Mushroom Kingdom, but she was engulfed by a sea of bodies and could not fight back.

"Bribing her way into the game, it's Toodles! My rich creditor...hehe..."

The posh lady sashayed her way to the stage, before she was painfully reminded that applying thirty layers of foundation cream did not subtract a few years to her age. "Who's this old hag again?" asked a Doogan in the public.

"I am Toodles, a name that should inspire awe to all of you simpletons. Are you unable to see the grace seeping from my very being? I am of rich background, a fair maiden of young age, successful at everything she does. Why, can't you see this designer dress? It is proof of my achievements."

"Yeah right, your designer dress sucks!" Wendy O' Koopa, another contestant, commented as she made a big hole in it. "Omigosh, what's this saggy fabric here?" she pointed to the front of the dress.

"Why, that would be my irresistible chest!" laughed the old woman, causing people to suddenly feel the urge to use the bathroom.

"Only four more to go!" Toadsworth sighed, wiping the sweat from his forehead. "Rosalina!"

"No introduction for her!" Toad objected, looking at the puzzled princess with a vehement stare. "That bitch stole my spot at Smash Brothers!" Toadsworth glanced at the two opponents before giving his judgment.

"Fair enough! Enter Snifit, master of dealers!"

"Hey duuude, dang your party's pretty swell," Snifit spoke up with hazy eyes. He staggered his way to the old mushroom and took a sniff. "Damn man, I've never smelled something so sick. You gotta share, hehehe..." The old mushroom raised an eyebrow, staring at Snifit's outstretched hand. Ultimately, he gave him some herbs.

"Now, everyone, she's your favorite idol, welcome Queen Bee! The famous rapper from the Honeyhive Galaxy. Her fans are named the Beetches, she controls their mind thanks to her very polished texts, full of meaning and beautiful prose. Buy her latest single which helps you learn your alphabet, also known as 'ABC' or 'Ass Bitch Cunt', for the moderate price of one hundred coins! Yes, I will earn a little money thanks to my partnership with her highness, come on Queen Bee!"

The purple-caped individual Boo had seen earlier was now strutting to the stage. A fan approached her a little too much, so she sent her off, spitting on her. "Oemgee! I'll never wash myself anymore!" hyperventilated the Toadette.

"Not like you washed yourself much to begin with," noted her mother, pinching her nose.

"plz gtfo ya biches" Queen Bee stated very elegantly, making delicate gestures with her middle finger in the process.

"So, how was my speech?" Toadsworth asked.

"#2rehearsed"

"And last but not least..." Toadsworth trailed off as everyone stopped breathing, hanging on his every word. "Our final contestant... It's Boo!"

"WHAT?! I NEVER APPLIED FOR THIS GAME!" Boo raged, unable to restrain his inner fury. "THIS IS RIGGED!"

"Now, now, if you didn't want to be part of the adventure, you didn't have to fill an application!" Princess Peach's aide chided the ghost with a reprimanding shake of his head. "I suppose you did not bother to read the fine print, did you? If a candidate in selected during the Reaping, they cannot back out of it."

"Oh yeah?" Boo challenged with a small smirk. "And how exactly will you make me?"

"That's what I'm here for," Lady Bow chuckled as purple smoke emanated from her body. Once the fog cleared up, it was none other than Doopliss that was revealed.

"I knew it! I knew there was something weird with Bow!" Boo shouted triumphantly. "But wait, what are you doing here, Doopliss?"

"A certain old geezer gave me some much needed cash to lure you here and prevent you from running away. Sorry Boo!" Quickly, he took a Boo Repellent out of his filthy sheet and sprayed it on the ghost, incapacitating him.

"What have you done to Bow?" Boo coughed with difficulty.

"I took your appearance and sprayed her with the same stuff, and then I loaded her body into a plane going to Sarasaland. She's not coming back to save you."

Boo snarled, struggling to stay conscious. "You sick little fuck! She will have (BLEEP) hide... Wait, why the hell have I been censored just now? The censor's a little late..."

Toadsworth cleared his throat. "Actually... I think he just realized there was a vulgar word back when we told Goombario to shut up." Boo smacked his forehead just before loosing consciousness.

Somewhere far away, a pink creature going by the name of Ramoloss Slowpoke yawned.

Toadsworth clapped for the 'twenty' lucky contestants. "These guys will follow intense training in the next few days, to be fully prepared for the arena. But now, it is time to send them off! Thank you to everyone who attended this little ceremony, and I am sorry for everyone who wanted to participate," he raised the empty container in the air, "but unfortunately, luck was not on your side. Thank you for your time!" Toadsworth exclaimed, then left the stage with the contestants following closely behind.

Of course, nobody realized that something curious had happened when after only twenty two slips of paper, the glass jar was empty. Well, not like anyone realized there were two more players than what was announced at the beginning either.

* * *

_So yes, I decided to post this chapter soon just so you could get a glimpse of our 'wonderful' contestants. _

_Just for your information, I have actually never seen/read the Hunger Games, same with Battle Royale, so if things seem different to you, that's the reason why. Either that or I didn't care for several aspects that were dismissed. Thanks for reading!_


	3. Training Hard

**Kaiimi (1)** : Toadsworth is full of surprises and uses his influence and Peach's idiocy to get what he wants, haha !

**King Bloo (1)** : Woah, already a list of favorites ? Haha, I already have my winner though, but I'll try to keep the ones people like better as long as I can ! Boo x Bow is one of my favorite pairing as well (along with Peach x Toad and Toad x Toadette), even though romance isn't really my thing when it comes to fiction. ^^

**AdmiralBobbery** : Usually, in my French stories, I use an opera singer who's really off-tune or a pop singer with bad tastes and poor texts that somehow win over the population. But Queen Bee is such a fitting character for a rapper... I could see her having another job but eh. Toadsworth likes to trick the group for his own personal benefit, so that's why Boo hates it when the old man suggests the group does something.

**King Bloo (2)** : Whoops, kinda spoiled myself there... *shot* Actually, my version of Toadsworth in parodies in that of a greedy old man, not necessarily evil. In a way, like what's his name from Disney (the rich duck who swims in coins).

**Moley** : Yup, well, I'm used to parodies so I often have a personality for each character. But I switched some, like Yoshi's. In my French stories, he's the drugged drunkard (probably because of his big nose) whereas here he's the 'King Bee' if I may call him that way. But I don't want to write too many parodies 'cause I want to The Mole to progress, lol. That and, well, I've done so many in the past that it gets a little boring sometimes.

**Kaiimi (2)** : Peach is still an airhead indeed ! The reason why is because she's my favorite character ever, and giving her such a strong personality also gives me more reasons to keep her around when the stories are about eliminations (be it death or game show evictions). Glad to see you like Queen Bee as well !

* * *

3 : Training Hard 

Toadsworth smiled to himself as he checked his reflection in a large golden mirror embed with rubies, playing with the tip of his mustache. He took a pose and flexed his nonexistent muscles with satisfaction before putting on his twenty wrists made of pure silver, two crowns incrusted with sapphires, a tiara decorated by a topaz and various rings.

"Hohoho! I do feel much younger and attractive now! But was there ever any doubt? I was known for my good tastes and ability to accessorize with gusto!" chuckled the old mushroom as he readjusted his spectacles.

Suddenly, the door to his dressing room opened and a Toadette with two blond pigtails and heart-shaped dots on her mushroom head appeared. "Mr. Toadsworth, the show is starting in a few minutes!" she giggled girlishly, blushing as she looked at him.

Annoyed, the princess' aide simply waved her off. "Yes, yes, Vana T., I know. Now piss off, will you?"

"Everything for you, Mr. Toadsworth!" winked the self-proclaimed sultry woman. Toadsworth made gagging motions with his fingers as soon as she was out of sight.

"I need to do something about her, she's making me uncomfortable, this nymphomaniac... Brrrr!" the old man shuddered in fright, thinking of all the things she could do to him in his sleep. Strangely, after a while, he seemed to smile dumbly.

"No! I musn't!" he slapped himself, printing the designs of his many rings onto his visage. "Mmmh... Oh yes, I'll send her to my good friend, the one and only Chuck Quizmo!" cackled the old man evilly. "Payback's a bitch, Chuck! You shouldn't have stolen my lunch money sixty years ago!"

Even though Chuck Quizmo was only thirty-six.

Chuckling to himself, the old counselor waddled his way out of his dressing room and walked through a rather long corridor until he reached a stage illuminated by lights. Toadsworth stood at the middle of the podium and raised his hands in the air, waving to the plebeians that had come in masses.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the very first show of our new sensational game: The Mushroom Coliseum! I trust everyone is absolutely happy to be here, right?" Toadsworth winked at the roaring crowd.

"YEAH!" everyone yelled with enthusiasm, throwing their underwear toward the old man who deftly avoided them. He almost puked at the sight of a tainted girdle.

"A-anyways," stuttered the mustachioed mushroom, "as I was saying, I-"

"Ravish me, Toadsworth!" shouted a voluptuous Koopa wearing high-heels and tons of lipstick on her face as she ran at full speed in direction of her fantasy, arms open. Fortunately for the old man, one of her heels broke and she slammed head first onto the floor, sliding until she reached his feet. An interested expression made its way on Toadsworth's face.

"Please escort this young lady to my dressing room, I'll have to chide her for being a very naughty girl later on... But for now, let's get this show on the road! I'm sure you are all dying to know just where our lucky contenders have spent their week of training, aren't you?"

"No one cares!" Jojora yelled, very annoyed. The rest of the crowd looked at her disapprovingly. "What? Are you seriously enjoying this? He sent your princess to her doom!"

"Now, now, settle down you ungrateful little cunt! Err, I meant... 'Very bad civilian', of course. You need to be more respectful young lady, haven't they told you that in your youth? It seems I will have to teach you some manners! Guards, send her away!" Screams and hostile words could be heard coming from Jojora's mouth several minutes after that.

"Very sorry for her outburst, let's show you some clips from the discovery of their training grounds!" Toadsworth cheered happily.

…

"Get out!" growled a Hammer Bro as he pushed the contestants one by one out of a flying helicopter. The poor victims could only scream, gravity pulled them closer and closer to the ground, only for twenty of them to realize that something had cushioned their fall.

"AAAAAAH!" screamed Lakilulu as she plummeted at fast speeds towards the ground. "Move the mattress for us!"

"Yeah or you're gonna be in for a world of hurt!" Lakilester threatened pitifully, trying to act gangsta.

"Everyone, we have to help them!" Peach jumped to her feet and immediately began to push the mattress as per the Lakitu's instructions. Everyone helped her almost instantly and thanks to their efforts, they were able to push the mattress even further away from the two others who crashed lamentably. "Good going everyone, we're such a formidable team!"

"Truly an act of friendship," Rosalina pointed out with her hand on her heart, as Toad glared at her with dissent.

"Let's go!" Mario called out to the others, springing to his feet and jumping onto Lakilulu's bruised body. "We should explore this new location!" Smiling to each other, the rest of the cast trampled over the two idiots' bodies to investigate their new location.

"Oh my!" Flurrie gasped, trying to act surprised. "It is such a quaint little house, I might take a liking to it!" exclaimed the wind spirit as she scanned her surroundings: a wooden dilapidated building with holes in the floor.

"Are you stupid or what?" Boo questioned angrily, pinching his nose. "Why does it stink so much? It's probably the smell of this shitty place!"

"Sorry, I had beans for lunch," Wario confessed, earning a punch from Boo.

Flurrie clapped her hands in delight as she noticed various life forms roaming about. "How wonderful! There are even animals for us to bond with! Oh dear, I have never been so excited to stay at a five-stars hotel before!" The animals she was referring to were cockroaches, ants and the occasional termite. Luigi had already fainted three times and was almost having a heart attack now, so the burly Donkey Kong decided to carry him in his arms.

"Oh, Donkey Kong, you're so strooong," Birdo purred in his direction as she touched his muscles. "I'm sure...you need to unwind from times to times, and when you do, I'll be there for you." Donkey looked at her with a smile.

"Sure! Thanks Birdo, you're really cool, you know that?" he told her, not realizing what he was getting into.

"Woow... Trippy," Snifit shook his head with fright, having imagined Birdo and Donkey together in his head. "Hey guys, wanna check out the kitchen with me? I'd like to find the pot," he snickered to himself.

"Heheheh, I'll go with you," Waluigi rubbed his hands in anticipation, already thinking of ways to wreak havoc in their new house.

"I'm going too!" smiled Tiny Kong in a very fake way, trying to make friends. But unfortunately for her, no one cared.

**Waluigi** : I hope I won't be evicted after this! But I have faith in my friends, they'd never vote me out of the Big Brother house, they like me too much for that. Yup.

**Tiny Kong** : Ugh, this purple lanky freak's the first to go in case we have to vote someone out. I mean, look at his nose, how many litters of wine did he drink when he was younger to keep this coloration?

**Wario** : Waluigi doesn't have my sex-appeal, no way he's gonna last longer than me in this competition! Wahaha, I'm Wario, the sexiest plumber you'll ever get to see!

**Boo** : Why does everyone go in the bathroom to give out their feelings in a very confessional-y way? Are they stupid or do they really think we're going to compete in a Big Brother kind of show?

"While they do their stuff in the kitchen, I say we find a place to rest," Daisy suggested. Nobody approved of her decision.

"Yeah right, I'm not gonna follow the advice of a wannabe ginger princess!" barked Wendy O' Koopa, slapping Daisy for good measure. "Besides, your obvious place of resting's near the stake!" Daisy retaliated with a small slap of her own, sending Wendy flying a short distance away. "The next one to call me a ginger will REALLY learn how to fly."

Yoshi scoffed as he passed by her. "So how should we call you exactly? The girl who doesn't want to be called a ginger even though she really is? Begone, soulless creature!" Everyone but Boo swooned at the green dinosaur's words.

"Why you-"

"Anyways, I say we find a place to rest!" Yoshi smirked and flipped Daisy the bird, like the asshole he is.

"Splendid!" Toodles cheered. "I suggest we all unpack in our designated cabins, that way I can amaze you with my hidden talents, such as my beauty and my boob job!" Wendy rolled her eyes.

"watever bich" replied Queen Bee as she strutted towards the females' cabin. "dik c kary my tings but if u touch it u die k?"

"Okay!" Dixie chirped happily, carrying on her back the ten super sized suitcases of Queen Bee to the girls' dormitory.

…

"Oooooh! Do I detect the slightest hints of tension in the house?" grinned the old mushroom, as the rabid fans hollered with glee, sounding like animals in a cage. "When we return, we'll see just how these wonderful human beings interact with each others. And trust me, it's something that you will want to see!"

…

_Have you ever been in a situation where your child screamed for no reason in particular and you weren't able to shut him or her up, no matter what you did?_

Goomama and Goompapa ran on screen after Goombario, beating him to a pulp, shoving a dictionary down his throat and throwing his battered body in a pool of water, dusting themselves after such a tough ordeal.

"-but in 1985, Janet the second closed all the libraries in the Chocolate Kingdom, causing people to become as illiterate as those of the neighboring kingdoms. Thanks to her selfish act, she was able to control the minds of her subjects with ease, as they were clearly too stupid to realize that..."

"MAKE HIM STOP!" his parents screamed in anger, banging their heads against the wall of their house.

"STOP FUCKING, IT'S THREE IN THE MORNING AND YOU'VE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS OR SO!" raged the inhabitant of the Toad House, misinterpreting the moans and cries of the Goomba.

"WE'RE NOT! WE'RE TRYING TO KILL OUR SON!" shot back Goomama as she started breaking the windows of the Toad House with her trusty broom.

"Oh hell no, bitch. You didn't do that!" the Toad responded by using a catapult to destroy their house.

_Thankfully, our experts have devised a revolutionary invention, one that will ease the worries of all parents in the whole Mushroom Kingdom! It is called... The SCOTCH-TAPE!_

_Yes, thanks to this handy-dandy item, that you can either use to mark where dead bodies were found to help the police once they reach crime scenes, most of the time four to five hours late, or to solidify the foundations of your house after it was hit by a tsunami, your child will never be able to annoy you anymore!_

"Goombario!" cooed Goompapa, armed with the scotch-tape. "I have a book for you!"

Goombario raced like a bull towards his father, "The booooooook! Where's the book?" Quickly, Goompapa scotch-taped his mouth. "Mmmh! HMMM!"

"It worked! It worked! Oh Goomama, I feel like making babies!"

"Find yourself a slut, I'm not in the mood!" Goomama growled unhappily, as it was that time of the month for her. Watching the scene, the neighboring Toad slapped his derriere in front of Goompapa, just to annoy him.

_Buy SCOTCH-TAPE, and all your worries will fade away! Only 1,000 coins a roll!_

…

"Everyone, welcome back to The Mushroom Coliseum, our new sensational show of blood, guts and gore! Well, there aren't a lot of these right now, but be patient, as the game has yet to start!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" a random Piranha Plant laughed in the audience. Toadsworth looked unfazed and resumed his speech.

"Our lucky contestants have trained for days, toughening up for the rough exteriors they will have to brave!"

As he pronounced this line, a shot of Toodles powdering her face followed by one of Wendy giving the impression of abusing a poor lipstick made their way onto the screen.

"What, you tell me that those screenshots don't look like people preparing for war?" Toadsworth asked without waiting for an answer.

"Like, we totally didn't," Goombella rolled her eyes in the audience, earning a furious glare from Toadsworth. He snapped his fingers and she was escorted out of the room.

"Before getting rudely interrupted, I was telling you how those seemingly innocent screenshots held a deeper meaning to them. Let's find out just now."

…

In the girl's cabin, Toodles and Wendy were making themselves pretty. As always, Toodles was painting her face with several layers of foundation, while Wendy's lips fell a little, probably from the amount of lipstick and gloss they had to withstand.

The rich woman glanced at Wendy from the corner of her eyes, and let out a small and delicate laugh, much to the confusion of the Koopaling. "Such expertise! Even in my youth, I was not as talented as you are!"

"Uh... Thanks, I guess?" Wendy looked at her weirdly, expecting an insult or something.

"No, I must honestly commend you. The way you are raping this lipstick, it gives me shudders just to think of the many dicks you have probably sucked to have such a mouth!"

"What the hell?" her interlocutor looked at her, mouth agape.

"No, no, no need to thank me darling. Even I know when I am defeated... Ah, but somehow, it brings a tear to my eyes... Does the youth today stoop so low as to sleep with an abomination such as yourself? Back in my time, boys went for the desirable ones, like myself," Toodles explained as Wendy's expression became more and more shocked. After a while though, it changed from shocked to angry.

"Listen up, Saggy Tits!" Wendy roared furiously, stomping on the old Toadette's foot. "Take that back or else..."

"Or else what?" Toodles dismissed her with a wave of her hand, chuckling merrily. "It is already a wonder how you manage to move that fat ass of yours, so I doubt you would be able to do anything to me," she winked.

Wendy punched her in the face, knocking her off her feet. Then, with a sadistic grin, she opened up one of Queen Bee's suitcases and took out one of her very kinky string that she immediately cut. She tore several of her belongings, after which she decided to use Queen Bee's make up, trashing her lipsticks and eyeliners. Wendy even went as far as to shove one in Toodles ear. However, Wendy's plan went airy because of one stupid bitch.

A very very VERY stupid bitch.

"I hate you all, you're a bunch of annoying idiots that can't even comprehend beauty when you see it," Lakilulu whined as she entered the room and surprised the two girls in a heated fight. "Will you shut up?" she screamed in their ears, startling the two of them for a moment. "Wait, that's! Omigosh, you're so dead!" she smirked.

"QUEEN BEE!" she called very loudly. "Wendy and Toodles are destroying your luggage!"

Two fat individuals entered the room: Queen Bee, and Flurrie who had taken a liking to the rapper.

"who da fuk mesd wit ma kloth" Queen Bee crossed her arms, swaying her hips as she approached the three girls at the center of the commotion. "imma kil yall"

"What?" Lakilulu shrieked as she backed off. "I didn't destroy your clothes! As if I'd touch them, they're so ugly! You have absolutely no sense of style but who am I kidding? None of you can reach my level."

"That much is true, darling, no one can reach your level of annoyance," Flurrie remarked with a sagacity even she did not know she possessed. Probably because she did not.

"Burn!" Birdo laughed as the drama unfolded. The rest of the girls, except for Tiny and Dixie, were now at the scene of the incident.

"What?!" Peach yelled with fright. She immediately darted out of the room and returned a minute later with a fire extinguisher in hands, ready to combat the flames.

"Wait Peach," Rosalina tried to intervene before a disaster struck, "Birdo didn't mean it that-"

But it was too late as the pink-clad princess was spraying nitrogen all over the room, clothes and individuals too, sparing to expense to put out the fire in their spirits. Unfortunately, the results were not very liked by the rest, and an all-out brawl broke out when Daisy let out a scream and charged the closest person to her, blinded by the product.

"Hey girls!" Dixie smiled as she entered the room and dropped the remaining suitcases of the rest of the girls, causing them to release their content into the room flooded with nitrogen. She soon was forced to join the fight.

…

Meanwhile, the boys and Tiny were in the kitchen, or what was actually supposed to be a kitchen. It smelled extremely bad and was inhabited by big rats who were fighting over a small piece of bread. Snifit was busy mixing herbs into the pot, since he was in charge of cooking, and was supervised by Luigi so that no drugs would magically find their way inside the meal. However, Luigi was yet again feeling faint: he was scared of rats.

"Damn, your brother's pretty useless, Mario," Donkey Kong commented as he had to carry Luigi over his shoulder yet again.

"Either that or he wants you to feel him," Mario pointed out in a smart way, causing a very disturbed Donkey Kong to drop Luigi to the floor.

"What a little bitch!" Lakilester snarled. The others turned their attention to him.

"Who let him in? Probably Luigi, I bet he'd like a piece of Lakilester," Waluigi accused as Luigi shot up from his position and fled from the room in direction of the bathroom.

"Poor guy," Wario commented. Mario looked at his cousin with wonder.

"Hmm? Why would you take pity on him?"

"Well... It's just... You know..." Wario swallowed with difficulty as everyone in the room, even Lakilester and Boo, looked at him with worry. "He was going towards the bathroom and... I was the last one to use it."

His last statement provoked a ripple of tears coming out of the others' eyes, save for Boo who was too busy banging his head against the wall and going through it, taken away by his momentum.

"What a tear-jerking moment," Toad shook his head dumbly while everyone else nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, even the king of douchebags over here's feeling emotive," Lakilester trash-talked.

"Who, you?" Waluigi cackled as Donkey Kong gave him a high five. Lakilester was boiling in anger.

"I was talking about Yoshi, you fucking moron!" he barked angrily. Tiny Kong shot up from her position and kicked him in the groin for good measure, earning claps from the rest, before hugging Yoshi.

**Tiny Kong** : I don't know why I feel like I must go to the bathroom every time I want to voice my thoughts, it probably comes with being an attention seeker. But anyways, I noticed that people seemed to dislike me during the Grand Reaping Gala, so I decided to seduce the king of overratedness and opted for ridiculing Lakilester and Lakilulu at every chance I get so that my popularity rises!

"Serve your king well, and you will obtain what you seek," Yoshi said humbly.

"What a man! Or dinosaur. Or whatever the hell you actually are," Toad clapped for his friend who only raised an eyebrow in response.

"Aren't we missing someone?" the sensible Donkey Kong wondered as everyone realized that someone had yet to speak. They all saw Goombario tied to a pole with duck tape over his mouth.

"Who did that to you?" Tiny Kong wondered with fake sympathy. The blue-capped Goomba could only reply with 'hmm-hmms'. "Oh right, I'm so stupid, I forgot to remove it!"

"Damn right you are!" smirked Lakilester as Tiny angrily transferred the duck tape from Goombario's mouth to Lakilester's.

"Much better!" everyone smiled.

"Ah, finally! I can finally talk to you and give you more details about this wonderful land! Now, if my eyes do not fail me, then I can ensure you that we actually are somewhere in the Delfino Archipelago, probably on one of the smallest islands composing it, as it doesn't seem like Toadsworth would pick anything but a barren location for us to compete in. Furthermore, I am inclined to think that, given the natural composition of the air all around us, as well as the distant cries of pink flamingos migrating to better homes, and notwithstanding the fact that-"

Yoshi trapped Goombario into an egg and everyone congratulated him for his good deed.

…

"Well, wasn't that just plain interesting? I am sure you are dying to know just how went the rest of their training, right? Well, let me just tell you that with Snifit cooking everyone's meals... Some of them were having a hard time concentrating..."

"Snifit, you better be careful!" his mother screamed as she ran up to the screen and tried to hug her son. The whole crowd began to laugh at this, and even Toadsworth could not help but erupt into laughter.

"Well, thanks to his mother's outburst, Snifit's reputation has reached new lows! But anyway, I will see you next time, for more information about their training! Alliances are made, others refused, and princess Peach amazes everyone with her skills!"

* * *

_Hey everyone ! I actually wasn't planning to have several chapters on their training but oh well !_

_My question you guys is the following one : would you prefer me to continue with this format and to have Toadsworth as a host, or would you rather just have interactions between the morons ? At first Toadsworth's only purpose was to be the cause of The Mushroom Coliseum, but as you can see it obviously changed, haha. So what's your take on that matter ?_

_As always, thanks for reading and reviewing, it means a lot to me !_


	4. First Alliances

**Admiral Bobbery** : No, the contestants thought they were in Big Brother. And the confessional being in the bathroom is actually a reference to the Total Drama series. Since I received positive comments about Toadsworth, I'm going to leave him as the host, I think it's for the best as well. Thanks for the support !

**Luigified531** : Thank you for the review ! I'm glad you like these characters, and apparently almost everyone thinks they're cool, so they have more chances to survive longer, haha !

**Moley Koopa** : They can't die yet. Who would serve as a punching bag if they did ? Lol. Thanks for the comment as always !

**Kaiimi** : Thanks for your input ! I actually thought about putting Pauline in the mix, but since we already have Wendy, Toodles and to a smaller extent, Queen Bee, I felt it would be overkill (especially since Peach and Pauline would be at each other's throat, lol). Jojora...maybe in a sequel to that story *hint*. I'll do like you said, putting Toadsworth in the middle but giving spotlight to the morons. Thanks for reviewing !

**Sepron** : Glad you like Toadsworth as well ! And thank you for the support as always !

* * *

4 : First Alliances

_Nowadays, too many people wish to have what they lack... However, they use the wrong means to achieve their ends._

_Indeed, too many people resort to plastic surgery to obtain voluptuous breasts, obsessed by the many pictures of Madame Flurrie of the Boggly Woods showing off her 'assets'..._

Seated in a café before a cup of tea, Rosalina stared at a poster of the wind spirit, and then at her own chest area. Soon after that, she sighed longingly. "Even Toadette is a B-cup... Why am I the only one flat as a pancake?"

A certain pink-haired shadow siren crossed her arms, sitting opposite from Rosalina. "Oh shush, stop complaining for once! Have you seen me?" she sent an offended look to her friend.

Rosalina raised an eyebrow. "Well, that's your own fault for being a trap. Men don't tend to have a huge bosom..."

"If that's the case, then why does he?!" asked Viviane indignantly, as she pointed to none other than Gourmet Guy who grinned and walked toward their table.

"Hello there, ladies!" he greeted with a warm smile, his manboobs and rolls of fat bouncing with every step he took. "What seems to be the problem?" Rosalina and Viviane stood up and started feeling up the obese Shy Guy.

"Oh my... These are real!" muttered the princess of the cosmos. Viviane stared in amazement as well.

"How did you get these...?"

_Yes, how did he? Well, that is what we wanted to talk about in this educative advertisement coming straight from the Mushroom Kingdom's Health Minister, Doctor Toadley._

"Well, it's easy! No need for a boobjob!" he exclaimed mirthfully. "If you want these babies," he stated proudly, smiling at his chest fondly, "just follow Flurrie's Fantabulous Fatburgers diet, and in a month or two, you will be as sexy as I am!"

_Visit Flurrie's new chain of restaurants, and stock up on your fat to get more prominent breasts! It's fast, foolproof, fattening, costs less than plastic surgery, and it'll make you feel pretty again, just like Gourmet Guy!_

_Don't hesitate anymore!_

Obese Viviane, Obese Rosalina and Gourmet Guy posed with thumbs-up next to one of Flurrie's Fatburgers restaurant, when suddenly, Gourmet Guy tumbled on the floor, victim of his own cholesterol. Panic arose and the two girls fled, leaving him for dead.

_Please note that the Health Ministry won't be responsible if you die from obesity._

…

Toadsworth made his way back onto the stage, trying to look like he was in pain and relying on his trusty cane to support his weight. Immediately, rabid fans jumped to his help and carried him where he was supposed to go, prompting the host to wink at the cameras.

"Thank you very much, simple-minded brain dead fans!" the old mushroom waved at the crowd, before sitting in his comfortable sofa. "Last time, you all saw the arrival of the players at their training grounds!"

"Yeah, what was up with that? It looked like some kind of dump," told Ukiki as he diverted the attention of the Pianta he was next to so that Klepto would be able to steal her purse.

The princess' aide chuckled lightly, putting his hands on his sides. "That's because it _is_ a dump!" Everyone in the crowd laughed merrily, except for one particular Koopa.

"Um... Excuse me, but... T-That's not very...nice," Koops claimed, a myriad of gasps ringing out after his remark, presumably coming from the spectators.

"You dare oppose the great Toadsworth?!" screamed a Toad fanboy that proudly exposed his Toadsworth underwear for everyone to see. "I ought to smack some sense into you, bitch!" Koops whimpered like the total wuss he is.

"Now, now, not to worry! I have a special arrangement for those who lack taste and style." The counselor clapped his hands and two bodyguards walked up on stage. With a silent nod, the target was confirmed and Koops was promptly dragged out of the room.

"As I was saying, you all saw what their training grounds looked like, as well as the women's fight and the males' bonding... But now, how about looking at something pertaining to the Mushroom Coliseum in itself? Alliances, anyone?" Toadsworth made a cheesy grin as the screen between him showed pictures of contestants sissy slapping each other as well of images of handshakes.

…

Toad was training against a sandbag, showing off his strength to the others and in doing so, stupidly painting a target on his back, when princess Rosalina gracefully glided up to him, a friendly smile on her face, and her poise perfect.

"Good afternoon, Toad," she greeted calmly, as the frequency of Toad's punches seemed to increase.

"What do you want, cunt?" Rosalina gasped in surprise, putting her hand onto her mouth.

"Language, Toad! That is not how a young man should behave," the woman with the cyan dress chided him, her hands on her hips. "Mouthing bad words every once and then will never give you more popularity, which is why I think you act this way...?"

"What the hell is your problem?! Bitch, stop going all gung-ho on my ass!" Toad seethed in anger, his eyes flaring dangerously.

Rosalina waggled her finger in front of his face. "Now, now, Toad. You should not feel so much animosity toward anyone else on earth. This is very bad for your health. But it matters not, I was here to propose something to you."

The poor mushroom could hardly take it, he tried to contained himself. "What proposal?"

"I believe it might be in our best interests to team up together in this ordeal. Making an alliance should allow us to strengthen our bonds, we will become such good friends that we will never want to be apart!" Rosalina cheered, completely oblivious to Toad's gagging motions. "Not only that, but with your immense powers and my Mary Sue-ness and mystical useless magic, we could easily defeat the competition. So, what is it you wish to do?" She stretched her hand, and Toad looked at it tentatively.

"Okay!" He took her hand into his and then twisted it, eliciting a yelp form the princess. Then he headbutted her, causing up to drop on the floor, picked up her body and threw her against a wall, causing it to collapse. Then he walked up to her and lowered his pants.

"I SHIT ON YOUR PROPOSAL!" he screamed as a pained expression, followed by a relieved one, made its way onto his visage. After he was done, he dusted his hand, leaving a moaning Rosalina on the floor.

…

Flurrie followed an exasperated Queen Bee around. Finally, Queen Beetch turned to her know her point of view on that matter.

"lok bich I dunt giv a shit bout u k" she stated with a hint of disdain in her voice as Flurrie stood next to her with a stupid grin on her face, blinking and nodding rapidly. She did not understand her 'friend', it seemed.

"Oh my, what luck I have!" she giggled, fanning herself with her hand, causing Queen Bee to roll her eyes. "You are such a good friend to me, I would have never guessed I would find a kindred spirit during this experience, dearie!"

"fuk u fuk ur mom ur dad fuk ur hom fuk da popo fuk da world," the queen of bees voiced her grievances.

"Darling, you must tell me the secrets of your coolness!" Flurrie clasped her hands together.

"hw bout u die n den I tolk" The cogs in Flurrie's mind began to turn slowly. After five minutes, she came up with a response.

"But wouldn't I be unable to hear from you if I were to die?" Queen Bee simply sighed and let her tag along.

"ug stupid bich watevs jus dunt b anoyin or ima kut u"

…

"Boo!" Princess Peach smiled from ear to ear, running up to the white-spherical being. Unfortunately for the both of them, the blonde forgot to stop running, so she crashed into the ghost and caused the two of them to fall on the ground.

"God! I was trying to perfect my camouflage skills and you screwed it up! How dumb can you get?!" he yelled at her angrily, rubbing his temples at the same time. A puzzled expression made its way on Peach's visage.

"I'm pretty smart, Boo, I think you might have confused myself for the reflection in your mirror!" she laughed stupidly, but stopped once Boo's hand had effectively slapped her face. "You're so mean! I don't mind that you're dumb, you know? But you're pretty mean for my bestie!"

Daisy was walking out of the girls' cabin, where Wendy and Toodles were busy trying to strangle each other, and happened to overhear their conversation. "Boo, your bestie? But I thought we were best friends...?"

"No way! My best female friend is Samus, not you! Sorry but I can't be seen associating with a ginger, and well, I can't be bestie with someone that's not blonde, you know?" Peach apologized, causing Daisy's mouth to fall to the floor. "And Boo's simply my best male friend, right?" She turned to Boo who was kneeling on the floor, praying to the Star Spirits.

"Mighty Star Spirits, please put me out of my misery," he wished intently. An image of Eldstar happened before him.

"Hell no! We're out or porn at Star Haven, so your misadventures are the only things that keep us entertained! We're not gonna help with this one, sorry Boo!" Eldstar explained, before disappearing.

"Bastard!"

…

The last coalition was the one between Tiny Kong and Yoshi. The female Kong was whoring herself out to most of the males in the house in order to prolong her survival in the battlefield, but her best bet, she thought, resided in Yoshi, the most overrated being in the Mushroom Kingdom.

"Damn, we can ear your fangirls from here," Tiny pointed out. Yoshi nodded in response.

"Well, duh. I'm simply the best, I can't die in the arena." Tiny looked shocked and ran to the bathroom.

**Tiny Kong** : I don't know if making this alliance with Yoshi is going to help my game. He seemed extremely sure he would not die, is it all in vain...?

"Sorry, I needed to go," Tiny apologized. Yoshi looked at her in disgust.

"You could have used toilet roll!" he exclaimed, turning green. "Huh... See ya later..."

Tiny stayed in place for at least one hour, before understanding. "THAT'S THE NATURAL COLOR OF MY FUR, MORON!"

…

_Ever had a very bad day, feeling like you wanted to disappear from the surface of the planet?_

"No, why would I? Everyone is so kind to me!" Dixie grinned in a very stupid way, before getting pushed to the floor and given a mop to wash the entirety of a fifteen-story tall building.

_SHUT UP YOU'RE FIRED! WHY CAN'T WE HAVE SOMEONE COMPETENT FOR ONCE?!_

"Yes," Toad bawled before his computer, looking at Rosalina's SSB4 trailer yet another time.

_Such despair! Well, fear not, for we have the perfect way to put you out of your misery!_

"Really?" Toad's expression lighted up as he heard the news. "What do I need to do, sir?"

His interlocutor was dichromatic Monty Mole. One of his sides seemed white and peaceful while the other was black and devilish. His red scarred eye shone when he cackled to himself. "No need to call me sir, just call me Chromatopo!"

"Okay, Chromatopo!" Toad grinned. "How can you help me?"

"First, sign this handy-dandy contract!" Chromatopo giggled strangely, producing a sheet of paper from who knows where. "Then I'll contact you in a week and bring you to a very special school, where you will learn how to fight against depression, for the greater good of humanity!"

_Register now for Chromatopo's Cruel Carnage School! Be one of the first sixteen people to enroll in his program, and you will be guaranteed a place in his first class! Upupupu..._

…

Toadsworth was resting on his sofa as a select few spectators were fanning him and bringing him free food. Suddenly, his eyes snapped open as he realized the cameras were on him, and he pushed all of his slaves off the stage.

"I love it when you hurt me, you handsome hunk!" a female Pianta purred, trying to look seductive but failing hard at it. Toadsworth backed off slightly, now scared for his life. Thankfully, he regained his composure hastily, and made a statement like a pro.

"Sorry, I don't do shit."

"Oh... I'm so sorry," apologized the Pianta. "I will make sure to put on more perfume next time!"

"Riiiiiight... Anyways! Aren't you excited for the game to finally begin? Because I sure am! And in order for you to understand my feelings, even though it must be quite hard for simple-minded peons like you, here are some clips of our contestants training as hard as they can!"

…

"So all we need to do is find a booth, talk to an instructor and try to reproduce what they do?" asked Donkey Kong for confirmation, as a Squeek nodded in response. "Cool."

All the contestants were regrouped in the courtyard, which looked more like a graveyard covered in vomit and poop. Many instructors were scattered all over the place, and to Boo's surprise and disgust, he realized that they all had one particularity.

"Wait, that's strange. How come all the instructors are black? I sense something amiss here," the ghost narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms as well.

Mario laughed at him. "Boo, that's fairly obvious! We can't have black people roaming around in the Mushroom Kingdom, think of all the disasters that could happen if we let them free!" Boo's mouth fell to the floor.

The Squeek instructor sighed sadly. "Unfortunately, that's the truth. There is absolutely no white people on this island except for you guys. All of us black people were sent here and told to stay away from normal people."

"But..." Boo turned to Peach angrily. "You can't ostracize people based on the color of their skin! That's just so wrong, you stupid bigot!"

"Silly Boo! I'm doing this for my people! Black and dark people are shady, you know? I can't risk having them harm my wonderful white citizens!" Peach laughed, joined by everyone else. Boo banged his head against another wall, which yet again crumbled to pieces. "But you're totally right! I can't...whatever you said! Proof is, there's still one black guy that we have yet to catch! He totally escaped our vigilance after he ran away from our forces," recalled the princess.

"Very curious," Mario nodded in confirmation, playing around with his mustache. "You would think that after traveling all over the world and even the galaxies, I would have found them, but no."

Somewhere, Il Piantissimo flipped the bird to his television, his mask concealing the color of his skin. "Retards."

…

Snifit was busy looking at the booth which dealt about herbs, naturally. "Maaaaaan... This smells so gooood! And you mean to tell me you can heal wounds with herbs? Never tried before, yup!" he declared, in a daze.

"But what have you tried before?" questioned the black Boo.

"Oh! Well, lemme introduce you to Snifit's special, dude!" And so the roles were reversed. After his small demonstration, Snifit exchanged part of his herbs against the healing ones provided by the Boo.

A curious Birdo made her way to the stand next, and began to work on the procedure to make healing herbs. Unfortunately for her, she did not know about Snifit's exchange, and began to feel funny. "Oh my god, what is happening to me?" she yelled, trembling with every step she took, her vision getting blurry.

Goombario inhaled. "From my understanding, you are beginning to feel the effects of what is commonly referred as 'shit', a type of drug that inhibits your senses and blocks your sensory receptors and neurons, thus causing you to see things and feel a delayed response to pain in your organism," the smartass demonstrated, kicking her in the nose. "I could elaborate on the wonders of drugs, used in a medical way, however that is not the point here. To help you get a better understanding of your predicament, I wish to recite to you this small book so that-"

"What's that? Some sort of...dung...? It's talking to me?! What's happening!" Birdo yelled, before collapsing. Goombario stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes darting from left to right, before fleeing the scene.

Donkey Kong, Luigi, Wario and Daisy arrived near the booth and realized that Birdo was knocked out. "Looks like the Godzilla ripoff's been offed!" Wario laughed, kicking Birdo in the ribs. "Thank goodness, she was so scary!"

"Wario? She's still breathing," Daisy remarked dully.

"Crap."

"Okay, so someone needs to revive her or something!" Daisy exclaimed. "And I will not do it!"

"I'm sorry, but neither can I," Donkey Kong started, looking a little scared at the prospect of using mouth-to-mouth to save Birdo. "I-I have a girlfriend!" he shouted suddenly, giving them a photo of Candy Kong, even though she was his cheating ex and he was currently single.

"M-me too!" Luigi squeaked like a pansy. "I have a loving girlfriend!" he smiled at Daisy but was still playing with Donkey Kong's nipples and caressing the ape. Thankfully for him, Daisy did not see it.

"Well, that leaves you, Wario!" the yellow-clad princess could not help but chuckle.

"Sorry girl, that leaves you! I have a girlfriend as well! And there are some ladies who are anxiously waiting for our breakup to replace her," Wario boasted, slapping his butt in Daisy's direction.

"You're lying! How could a fat tub of lard like you be even attractive in the eyes of the ugliest girl in the world?!"

"We could ask Lakilulu," Donkey Kong suggested. The bitch suddenly appeared and threw a spiny at his face. "Ow!"

"For the record, I'm so much better than all of you combined, but you just can't see it because you're jealous of my beauty. Well, I guess it can't be helped, coming from two whores, one of them doing it in front of his girlfriend, a fatass that has trouble even getting out of bed, and a slutty ginger cunt so useless that she hasn't starred in anything but Party Games for more than one decade!" Lakilulu spat harshly, before getting beaten up by the foursome.

"Wait, what did she mean by 'two whores doing it, one of them in front of his girlfriend'?" Donkey Kong wondered as Luigi hid his hands behind his back, sweating profusely.

"To return to the matter at hand," Daisy looked at Luigi suspiciously, "show us proof that you have a girlfriend!"

"Ha!" Wario took his wallet and showed them the picture of Princess Shokora. "That's my girlfriend! And her," he showed a picture of Mona, "is my best employee and she can't resist that bootilicious bode! Her," he now took hold of Queen Merelda's photograph, "too. Ever since I saved her on one of my adventures. Oh, and last but not least, my rival, who's also interested in me! Captain Syrup! So how do you like that!"

Burning in anger, Daisy grabbed Wario by the collar and forced him to reanimate Birdo. The poor man could only blubber in despair as his mouth met Birdo's.

…

Wendy and Toodles were hogging the arena, a booth where two contestants could face off in a physical competition to determine which of them was the strongest. It was also a mean for them to brutally murder the other while still respecting the rules.

"As I thought! The word 'diet' is absent from your dictionary. Why, I could have deduced that fact at first glance!" Toodles laughed. Wendy growled in anger and tackled the old woman to the ground, but Toodles was more resourceful.

"Dixie, would you mind helping me?" The blonde monkey immediately joined the scene and joined the fray, but Wendy O' Koopa was a very strong opponent, so it was an evenly matched battle.

Lakilester sat in front of the ring. "Useless cunts... At least my Lakilulu has class!"

Waluigi sneered. "Your twat of a girlfriend? Please, she's got the class of a crippled sloth with red hair," he insulted provocatively and kicked Lakilester in the nuts. "Not to mention the foul smell coming from her mouth."

"Shut the fuck up, I could break you in half, twig. Or I could let Daisy do it, since I saw you rummage through her bras," smirked the Lakitu.

"You punk! I'm going to trash you in the coliseum, mark my words..."

"Yeah right," replied the king of douchebags. "You won't be able to lay a finger on- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Lakilester screamed in pain, looking at his shoulder where a knife was planted.

"Whoops! Sorry!" Peach giggled and waved at Lakilester as he was taken to the 'hospital wing' of the training grounds.

"You're not as puny as I thought, girl!" Wendy had stopped punching Dixie and Toodles to clap.

"What a wonderful aim!" Toodles congratulated as well. "Why, you might be a tough contender for the win."

"But I was aiming for the target," Peach trailed off, pointing to the object in the distance. Boo blinked rapidly.

"Wait. If you were aiming for the target, how did you manage to hit Lakilester who was on the opposite side...?!"

…

"How, indeed!" Toadsworth chuckled with glee. "Thank goodness we didn't select all of the clips that contained fails, otherwise we could be here till the end of the night!"

"Really?" questioned Toadia, the absolute Luigi fangirl.

"Yes!"

"THEN SHOW ME LUIGI CLIPS OR I'LL CUT YOU TO PIECES AND FEED YOU TO MY PET SHARK!" she barked at him, foam forming at her mouth. Horrified, Toadsworth immediately dialed a number on his phone and security came in, shooting Toadia with their tranquilizer guns. Unfortunately, it had little to no effect on the rabid Toadette who ran on stage and shook Toadsworth.

"Shut the fuck up, bitch!" someone in the assembly yelled. "No one cares about that nipple-obsessed Luigi freak!"

"WHO SAID THAT?!" Toadia bellowed, running into the crowd. "HOW DARE YOU SULLY LUIGI'S NAME?!"

"SECURITY!" Toadsworth called in a panic, retreating to his quarters to meet up with the slutty Koopa from the beginning of the show. "Err, until next time, everyone! The games begin next and- Oh my god, what is she doing to that poor Yoshi...?"

* * *

Next time...

*builds suspense*

Nah, who am I kidding?

Next time, someone DIES !


	5. First Blood

**Sepron** : Glad Toadsworth is so well-liked. And to say that he was only going to here to get the games started, lol. As for Rosalina in Sm4sh, I can't help but feel disappointed since I've been hoping Toad makes it in for the past twelve or thirteen years, lol. Not to mention that I'm not a fan of her. But she looks unique enough so I guess that's alright. Plus she has lots of fan, I'm sure they'll be happy to have her. I took note of your favorites, and it might actually have an impact on the story! Didn't realize one of them would be liked, so I'll make sure to keep them around longer (not saying who though). Thanks for the review!

**Kaiimi** : Yeah, Mario's such a racist, lol. I thought it would be funny, given the fact that he's an Italian plumber, was created in Japan, spent time in the USA and ultimately found his way to the Mushroom Kingdom. But I won't base his character on that alone because it would be too boring. A joke or two is fine I suppose (well, people will always find stuff offensive so whatever), but I wouldn't feel comfortable just using that for him. I think his 'heroic' side is funnier since he's such a moronic leader. And lawl Toad. Thank you for the review!

**Moley** : You shall see in this chapter whether any of your favorites die or not, I won't spoil it to you just yet. But some of them will eventually have to go. I have in my head the final 4, as well as the final showdown. I also know who wins, but that's about it! The rest is kind of random, we'll see how it goes. I also have planned some rather humorous deaths for certain idiots. XD Thanks for the support!

* * *

5 : First Blood

Toadsworth growled to himself, sitting at his desk and examining a handful of papers. Plenty of sheets were littering his environment of work, and the old counselor slapped his forehead in frustration. "Stupid Toadia bitch!" he snarled. "She is foiling my plans!"

Indeed, the brown-spotted mushroom was scrutinizing files and working on the reconstruction of the room the Luigi fangirl had destroyed in a fit of rage. Not only that, but he also had to work on silencing the numerous people who had instigated lawsuits against him and his show. Even though the inhabitants of the Mushroom Kingdom were really dumb, even they could not ignore what had transpired.

"Now, now, I must act like the dignified and wise person I am," Toadsworth twirled his mustache with his fingers, a jolly expression on his face. "FUCK IT! FUCK IT ALL!" he suddenly raged intensely.

Then, he went back to his papers. "Seventeen thousand coins to repair my golden throne?! That's...surprisingly cheap considering it should be around a million or two..." Toadsworth gave his consent and applied his signature to the paper. "Fees to give a decent sepulcher to those who died during this small incident... One thousand coins...?! I'm sorry but that's way too much. Let's just throw their remains in a hole and be done with it."

Just as Toadsworth was going to attack another stack of papers, he heard stirring noises coming from behind him: it was the slutty Koopa from the day before. "Aaaah," she yawned, patting the bed next to her. "Toadsy?" called the disheveled whore.

"I'm here," Toadsworth replied without turning his head, still at his desk. The Koopa sashayed her way to the old man, twisting her ankle along the way.

"That was a good night," she testified with what she would describe as a 'seductive tone'. "You're not too bad for an old man. But... I just realized you never asked for my name."

"Well, I hardly thought it necessary in the case of a one-night stand," justified princess Peach's aide. "If you insist, I might as well hear it from you. What's your name?"

"Skanky Whora's the name, prostitution's my game!" she laughed loudly, making the old man cringe. She stayed behind Toadsworth for ten minutes, until he finally snapped.

"What are you still doing here?" Puzzled, the Koopa cupped her breast.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm awaiting my payment," she pointed out, putting another layer of foundation cream onto her face.

Toadsworth's eyes twitched at the mention of a certain monetary compensation. "Whatever do you mean, Slutty Koopa?"

"I like the ring of that name! But to return to the matter at hand, I'm a prostitute. I'm making money by sleeping with people. You didn't think it would be free, did you?"

"Well...yes. Yes I did!" retorted an irritated spectacle-wearing Toad. Skanky waved her hand with humor.

"Oh, you're so funny Toadsworth! Well, it'll be sixty nine coins for the night!" Her client almost choked on his saliva.

Toadsworth made it look like he was looking for his wallet. "Oh, I must have forgotten my wallet in the adjacent room. Please remain here while I go fetch it!" He hurriedly walked out of the room and immediately located what, or rather, whom he was looking for.

"Guards! A hooker slipped inside my room and assaulted me! I demand she be locked inside the dungeons!"

"Sir, yes sir!" Moments later, muffled screams coming from the room he occupied could be heard, and the old man could not help but rub his hands together in satisfaction.

"Now, let's return to the game!" he cheered.

…

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first live show of 'The Mushroom Coliseum'!" Toadsworth yelled as he descended the three stairs leading to his usual place on stage. Already, the crowd was in an uproar.

"Toadsworth, I want your sexy selfies!" "OMG, Toadsworth x Bobbery's so HAWT! True OTP here." "Can I smell your feet?"

The counselor raised his hand into the air and everyone stopped talking at once, as if mesmerized by his enchanting hand. Then, he proceeded to make small gestures pointing here and there at the 'customized' room.

"As you can all see, we decided to redecorate for the occasion!" lied the old man, bloods and guts splattered on the walls and floor after Toadia's massacre. The head of the Yoshi she had attacked the day before was swiftly kicked to the side by a whistling Toadsworth. Unfortunately for him, a relative of the recently deceased had identified the victim.

"But...that's my son's head!" cried an old Yoshi that was oozing fat. Sweating bullets, the princess' aide made his move.

"Oh, well... He had an unfortunate accident," coughed the brown-spotted mushroom. "Would you like to retrieve his head?"

The fat Yoshi stopped crying and began thinking, a perverted smile making its way onto his face. "Yes, I would. We never had any time to bond, so I would like us to be really close before his official burial," replied the father as a disgusted Toadsworth kicked the head towards him. The fat Yoshi skipped outside of the room with a smile.

"ANYWAYS!" the mushroom cleared his throat. "If you would, please take a look at the giant screen located behind me."

…

The contestants were all located on small gray platforms disposed in an arc in a small clearing. From their position, they could see a little station where weaponry and food would be provided for their intense killing session.

"Remember, you have to wait until the countdown is over to get off these platforms, okay?" warned a black Shy Guy.

"Why?" Boo questioned immediately, a feeling of dread overcoming him.

"Well, if you don't comply to these rules, you'll be blown to smithereens. And you wouldn't want that." The white ethereal-being slapped his forehead in annoyance.

"Can we start already?!" yelled Wendy, her eyes flaring in anger. "Let's get this over with so I can give the old bitch the death she so rightfully deserves!"

Toodles scoffed in amusement, applying another layer of gloss to her luscious lips. The sixth one actually. "Now, now, I would not make threats unless I knew how to transform them into reality. What makes you so sure that an obese sow such as you could run as fast as my nimble self? Truly, you are delusional, as is your scale if it indicates anything lower than one hundred kilograms when you step on it."

"That's it, saggy tits is going DOWN!" roared the princess.

"Oh, it looks like the hostilities have already begun!" laughed Tiny Kong to give herself more screen time, even though she had nothing interesting or intelligent to say.

"#atensheunwhor" Queen Bee asserted with a gracious middle finger pointed in the air.

"Shut the fuck up, all of you bitches!" Lakilester snarled. "We're tired of all of you girls stealing our spotlight! Only my beautiful girlfriend and I have the right to speak. It's an order from your king."

"B-but... I'm not from Douche Land," Luigi stuttered awkwardly, prompting everyone but the two Lakitu to burst into laughter.

"Burn!" Waluigi cackled.

"Well, I would not say he has been burnt in any way," Goombario retorted like a smartass. "As you can probably see, Lakilester is nowhere near fried, and nothing indicates that he has suffered burns of any kind, unless you take into account his abysmal intelligence and utter mediocrity. This expression is unbecoming of naturally clever characters like we are, and as such we should make sure to never employ it ever again. It is an utter disgrace to the English language which we are currently speaking, and I would-"

"Shut up," Waluigi frowned. A disappointed Goombario shook his head, but no one cared.

Everyone waited with bated breath the countdown which would then allow them to compete in the most stupid game ever hosted in the history of the Mushroom Kingdom, which was saying something considering the atrocities that had been conducted in the past. But when the sixty seconds countdown began, an unforeseen event took place.

"Oh my GAWD!" screamed a winged turtle that mostly everyone knew.

"lawdy lawd" exclaimed the famous rapper in surprise.

"Stereotypical much?" Yoshi smirked.

"stfu"

"It's Parakarry! Yay!" Peach clapped with glee and also jumped up and down in excitement. "What's up?"

"It's horrible! There's a giant bee ready to maul you all! Let's run away everyone!" panicked the stupid turtle, his eyes locked on Queen Bee.

"da fok is dis shit? if its dat vespiquen bich imma kil her so hard she gun die" Queen Bee expressed herself in a very eloquent way, before stepping off her platform and exploding in a thousand pieces.

Immediately, it triggered a chain reaction as everyone decided to run away from the explosion, exploding in turn. Eventually, Boo was the only survivor, but his white complexion had become rather red.

"Oh... Did I win? Haha!" Boo mocked the fallen princess and the rest of his comrades. "I want my money right now!"

BZZZZZT.

Static.

_**WE ARE SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE, OUR EXPERTS ARE DOING THEIR BEST TO REESTABLISH CONTACT, BUT GIVEN THEIR SKILL LEVEL, IT MIGHT TAKE A WHILE. LOL.**_

…

Toadsworth cursed his underlings and their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, pets, flowers, belongings and even the grass blades in their gardens. "How about some shameless advertisement while we await for more footage or our contestants' adventure?" he grinned, repressing his anguish at the very bottom of his soul.

…

_Have you ever felt that everyone was looking down on you, one day, because you were a weak and puny little critter?_

Diddy Kong walked on the street, minding his own business. He was not wearing his usual T-shirt, nor was he sporting his trademark cap. Instead he had for only article of clothing a red tie on which were written the letters D.K, and his hair was styled up with gel.

"Heya, Did-Donkey!" Dixie grinned as she ran towards her boyfriend. "Where are you taking me for our date?"

"I thought about going to the movies!" smiled the chimp, tugging at his tie with unease. "They have the latest installment of Fasto the Explorer!"

"Hey, would you look at that! It's that Did-Donkey Kong pussy!" guffawed a buff Kremling, arms crossed and looking down on the duo.

"Let's rough them up!" yelled another, as they advanced towards Diddy and Dixie menacingly.

_Do you feel the wind of change, up in the air? It beckons to you... 'Become stronger!' it says to you... _

A beaten up Diddy Kong stares at a board located in front of the entrance of a gym. "Maybe a little training wouldn't be so bad!"

_In a matter of one week, you will go from this..._

A photo of Diddy Kong paining to lift a very small weight with Dixie turning her back on him is shown on screen.

_...to this!_

A photo of the strong Donkey Kong carrying two hundred pounds with one arm, while Candy Kong cheers him on makes its way on screen.

_All thanks to our Konga Gym! Register now for only five hundred coins a day and feel the results of this intense training! Dissatisfaction will not lead to a reimbursement. Make sure to leave a good review once you're done with the training! _

**DidsterBomb**: Reality at its weakest! But I still recommend it cause I'm a moron.

**DaQuenB**: fuk of da l is dat program? i meen lik its so fulovshit but dey pay me so yea go der plz

**Candhooker**: Please make sure to hit the gym more often, I'll be waiting for any strong muscular man to 'pick me up' outside. **wink**

…

The screen now shows the twenty two contestants alive in the clearing. Thanks to the cleverness of the producers, and to mask the fact that they had tampered with the game by reviving the twenty one idiots who had left their platform because they would not have made as much money as they could otherwise, the players had been relocated to another part of the clearing.

Or they would have been intelligent, had one of them thought of throwing a bucket of water on the bloodied Boo, who had a permanent frown etched onto his face. "Am I going to have to bear with this fucking blood for long?"

"Duuude, why the long face? You look totally more radical in red!" the biased Snifit gave him a thumbs-up, before taking another puff of his concoction. "But you should definitely drop the poncho, doesn't go well with your built." Someone muttered a 'What? A poncho?' but no one else elaborated on the smoker's state.

"Since when do you have any sense of fashion?" Birdo grunted, arms folded. Jealousy radiated from her lousy being. "I'm not jealous!" the pink dinosaur yelled angrily.

"Funny how you didn't think of refuting the fact that you're a total loser!" Lakilulu bitched at her, showing off the only thing she was good at.

"Now, now, lady and ginger," Snifit smiled goofily, trying to be charming, "to answer Birdo's question, I'm a man of many talents, I could show them to you if you're interested. You'd probably be proficient at my occupation with your snout."

"That's good and everything but no one cares," Daisy stated, already bored.

"Well, maybe you'd be more interested in knowing that Luigi tried to get his kink on with Donkink Ong!" Lakilulu made a terrible pun, but it caused Daisy to become extremely livid. She glared at Luigi and traced a finger under her throat, making it very clear that the plumber's days were numbered.

"Yeah, I wonder what will happen!" Tiny Kong nodded her head. "What with Birdo also having designs on Donkey Kong, and Wario being so enamored with Birdo as Mario pointed out to me the other day when he was discussing Toad's pitiful attempt at making Super Smash Brothers!" the simian figure declared, addressing a not so subtle wink at Yoshi: she was already trying to stir the pot.

"Oh my, that Tiny Kong ruffian is such a troublemaker!" Flurrie exclaimed dramatically. "It seems as though we are the only ones astute enough to catch wind of her underhanded tactics! How blessed are we to possess such brainpower!" recited the wind spirit as she read the autocue.

"wat a bich"

"Darling, you absolutely MUST teach me more Nigganese! It is such an interesting language! I would be most elated to have you as a teacher."

"How racist can you get?" Boo's mouth fell over. There was too much stupidity going on all at once, Boo showed signs of weakness.

"This isn't racist!" Mario protested, scowling at the ghost. "It is, in fact, a fact! Mariohohoho!"

"Here he goes with his dumb laughter," Boo sneered. "What are you, if not racist?!"

"I'm a bigot! There's a clear difference here!"

"I can't...even..." Boo had a hard time getting over Mario's last sentence.

"The game better starts now or else I'm leaving!" Yoshi threatened. Immediately, the countdown began and a chorus was heard. It was singing 'Ode to Yoshi'. "That's better! Everyone should be prepared to lose!"

Lakilester mocked the green dinosaur. "Yeah right! There's no way I'm gonna die first yet again!"

Once the countdown reached zero, everyone ran as fast as they could towards the small station where all the weapons were located, except Snifit who was lagging behind and tripping, in every sense of the term. Lakilulu was pushed and tumbled down, losing her lead and getting trampled by a stampede of idiots. Flurrie adopted an aerodynamic form, so that her 'features' would not hinder her progress but become an asset to her speed. As for Wario, he thanked the stars that his last meal was chilli beans and used his farting prowess to get to the station first.

Unfortunately, he forgot to stop and went on, trying to locate the nearest pond. Seeing this, Waluigi could not help but sing. "His ass is on fiiiiire~"

"What a wonderful organ you possess!" Goombario was keeping up with the anorexic twig, in spite of his rather small stature and the numerous books he was carrying around. "I've never heard anything of the sort! It's somewhere between the octave of a screeching nail scratching a metallic material, and a chalk stick grating against a board! How horrific!"

"Why won't you shut up?!" Waluigi started beating the Goomba to a pulp, even though it did not do much damage considering his lack of muscles.

Meanwhile, Rosalina had warped in front of the station thanks to her mystical kawaii desu magic powers of DEATH, her arms held wide to her sides, as if to prevent people from taking weapons. "Fighting is bad! We should all be friends with each other and live happily for the rest of our lives! Let us rejoice in a climate of peace and freedom!" she proclaimed. Toad flipped her the bird.

"You can rejoice in my piss!" Rosalina cringed, remembering her altercation with the mushroom and how it had ended.

"That isn't really my ideal vision of peace, but if it makes you stop brawling, I shall accept your conditions!"

"Whatever!" Toad was the fastest, so he picked her up and threw her to the side. "I need weapons!"

"So do I!" Daisy pushed him to the side, hoping to find something that would help her exterminate Luigi.

"Everyone, move! Your King is here," Yoshi strutted to the weapons with a defiant smile on his face. Peach was slightly behind, but also wanted a decent weapon, so she jumped onto his back and used it to propel herself farther ahead.

"Oh, cool! Ninja stars!" she carelessly threw one behind her, and it narrowly missed ten contestants.

"YES! I have a gun!" gloated Lakilester. "Who am I going to kill first?" Smirking evilly, the Lakitu took his sweet time to decide who would be his target.

Panic soon arose at the station as people kicked, bit (mostly Wendy and Toodles going at it), punched, hair-flipped, slapped and tackled each other. But regardless of what happened there, everyone managed to get their hand on something.

And so the bloodbath began. Peach back-flipped like a total pro, even though her landing left a lot to be desired, and threw one of her shurikens in a random direction. Tiny Kong used her sister as a shield in case anything bad were to be thrown her way, while Boo stayed behind, definitely not up to the challenge. Wario returned from his search which had yielded no result, so he ran the opposite way, completely forgetting it was the starting point, as Waluigi got backhanded by Goombario's dictionary. Queen Bee found herself staring at the picture of her rival, Toadney Spears, since she was taking hold of her leftovers CDs (which, by the way, were much more numerous than the sold ones) and started tossing them just like Peach. Flurrie boobed her way to the premise, unaware of the chaos unfolding: the old actress thought this was a simple race for a game show. Toad found three grenades, he hurled two in Rosalina's direction while the last one was accidentally thrown behind him and deflected by Daisy's spear that she held like a javelin. She threw it in Luigi's direction, but the plumber tripped before it connected with his body and fell on top of Donkey, who began to blush furiously. His blush soon became annoyance as he realized just who was on top of him. The strong simian threw Luigi towards Mario who dropped his lighter which was in a precarious situation. During their strife, Wendy and Toodles rolled towards said lighter, and it was catapulted toward Snifit, who took it in order to make use of his herbs. Once he was done, he let out a big 'thank you' and threw it back to the assembly, but forgot to extinguish its flame which lighted up one of Birdo's dynamite sticks. In a hurry, the pink dinosaur flung it behind her and ran away from it. Yoshi raged as his bag did not contain a rocket launcher, while Mario emptied the rest of his bag to find out whether he had food or not. In doing so, he cast a hammer towards one individual who fell onto the floor, bleeding.

"Oh! Everything is going to go kaboom!" Dixie smiled, getting slapped by Lakilulu who was aiming for Tiny.

"What!? Every beautiful Lakitu for themselves, the rest can just drop dead!" screamed the national bitch.

Everyone but one person managed to get out of the mess. Throat slit by disks, a shuriken sunk into their left eye – or what remained of it after the two explosions it had suffered, respectively caused by one of Toad's grenades and Birdo's dynamite stick, a bloody hammer embedded into their skull, and a javelin running through their belly, this person had been overkilled.

"Who is it?" Boo asked casually, not bothering to see who was alright and who was not.

"Maaan, you gotta relax. Just look at the sky, it has all your answers," Snifit contaminated the air around Boo.

"What is it...? It doesn't look like any of us," remarked Wario, noticeably more smelly than before.

Above their heads, fireworks exploded. Unlike the typical ones you could see during celebrations, that one depicted an interesting symbol, but not a face. It was brown and clearly represented a big smelly cartoony poop, with flies buzzing around it. Someone easily found the meaning of such a raucous pictogram.

"YES! WE DID IT! LAKILESTER IS DEAD EVERYONE!" Goombario cheered, throwing a book in the air.

"praiz da lawd" Queen Bee shook her booty elegantly. "n raiz da roof 2"

"Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof!" Toad smiled and slapped Rosalina on the back, not realizing what his moment of euphoria was making him do.

"just no go fuk ursefl pinus hed"

And so, the contestants all celebrated the first day of their game together, except Lakilulu who was secluded and dumped into a nearby lake, causing much anguish and despair to the poor Wario who had yet to get over his discomfort.

"But you know," Goombario suddenly spoke up, sitting next to Waluigi at dinner, "now you can say that he was double burnt!"

"Shut up!" snapped the purple-clad individual, punching Goombario in the mouth.

* * *

_Shoutout to Kai, there's one of her OCs mentioned in the chapter!_

_Also, tell me if you saw it coming. I thought it was blatantly obvious, but it had to be done anyway! I couldn't let him live longer than he needed to. *shot*_

_Hopefully, you liked the chapter!_

_Until next time!_


End file.
